Truly
by rjwritergirl
Summary: What were Anna's thoughts during hers and Bates' conversation in the Boot room during episode 4.05? Spoilers for 4.05!


_**Here's a write up of the scene between Anna and Bates in episode 4.05. Spoilers for that episode! Also, I apologize for any tense issues. (past tense, present tense) I think I got them all edited.**_

John enters the boot room; Anna is busy scrubbing away at Mary's shoe, as if trying to clean herself. She hears the door open and looks up. It's John, her beloved. He's been pushing her to tell him what happened, she doesn't want to tell, she doesn't trust him and the look on her face screams it. John comes in, and closes the door behind him.

Memories are plaguing Anna now, and she scrubs harder on the shoe in front of her, waiting for him to speak. She stares at the shoe, not wanting him to see her face, not wanting to see the hurt look on his face. She hates hurting him.

He leaves his cane on the edge of the table, it's symbolic almost, the cane. He's vulnerable without it, because of his leg. And he's leaving himself vulnerable to her as he steps closer to her.

His fingers barely touch the table and she tries not to think about the times where he would be touching her. How, mere weeks before, when the two of them could barely keep their hands to themselves, they'd barely made it into the cottage before they couldn't restrain themselves any longer.

"Aren't you ever going to finish that?" John's voice almost rumbles and she tries not to think of how much she used to love it. "It's nearly midnight."

"Someone has to do it." It was the only thing she could think of to say.

"But it doesn't always have to be you." John counters. She scrubs harder; because of course it has to be her. She's the defiled one; she has to atone. She has to cleanse. Suddenly John's hand is on top of hers. She stops as she feels it, dual memories surfacing, Green and his hands hurting her, but also John and his hands worshipping her. Her hand drops off the shoe as he picks it and the brush up and set it aside.

_He'll force himself on me_. She thinks, because why else would he close the door and stop her working? But what he says is even worse then him forcing himself on her.

"I know." The tone of his voice registers before the words, and both bring tears to her eyes. How does he know? And why does he look and sound like his heart's been ripped out of his chest? He's supposed to be mad. "I know what happened." He takes in a shaky breath, sounding to all the world like a heartbroken man. "Mrs. Hughes told me," she can faintly hear him continue to speak but her blood boiled at the betrayal. "I forced her to."

"Then she was very wrong." She stands, wanting to run. But she knows she can't run anymore, not now that he know's. "It wasn't her secret to tell." Her voice cracks, but she looks up at John determined. No more running, she'll face this head on.

His eyes close, as if he regrets his next words. "I gave her no choice, Anna."

"What did she say?" Anna has to know, what did Mrs. Hughes say? How much does John know?

He's struggling to get the words out. "How…" he can't speak for a moment and that only heightens her worry. He takes in a deep breath and speaks again, his voice stronger. "How it happened, when it happened."

She glances up to meet his face for a moment but then looks away. He knows. There is a long pause and she waits for him to tell her that he'll kill Green, that Mrs. Hughes told him who it was.

"I asked her if it was Green."

She forced herself to sound confused. "Who?" If Mrs. Hughes hadn't told him, she wasn't going to.

"Mr. Green." The way he drawls out the name makes Anna suspicious that he figured it out anyway. "Lord Gillinghan's Valet. She swore it wasn't."

She's tense, she hates lying to John but it's for his own good. "No," she shakes her head to prove the lie. "It wasn't him."

John's voice is shaking, but she can't tell if it's with anger or emotion. "She said a man broke in," She doesn't have to look up at him to tell he doesn't completely believe what he's telling her. "And was waiting for you down here. A stranger." He's talking carefully as if verifying all details.

Anna nods, her head jerking up and down. She grasps onto the lie like a raft, and she's drowning. "That's right." She confirms the lie. _Please believe me, _she thinks. She's too afraid to look him in the eye, afraid he'll see the truth. He cant, he can't know the truth. The truth would kill him and then in turn kill her.

"Because if it was the valet, he is a dead man." John's voice is low, threatening and dark and she's suddenly afraid. She knows that he won't hurt her; at least she hopes he won't.

"It wasn't him. You only say that because you didn't like him."

"No, I did not." The look on his face makes no excuse for his dislike of the man.

"That's no excuse to accuse him when he did nothing. Would I have sat down to breakfast with him the next morning if it had been him?" John looks confused, as if he knows what Green did and is waiting for her to admit to it, but she won't. She wouldn't be able to survive him being in prison again. She looks away from her husband, unable to lie while looking at him. "We can't know who the man was. We've no way of tracing him." She knows what she's saying is only to protect John and not Green but her ability to get the words out surprises her.

There is a pause between them and when John speaks again his voice is thick with pain. "Why wouldn't you tell me?"

She looks him in the eyes, knowing that this at least is the truth. "Because I knew the suffering it would bring you."

John took a step back as he registers that Anna, in typical Anna fashion is more concerned about him then about herself. She hadn't wanted him to suffer because of something that had happened to her.

"Well, it's in the open. No more secrets. I'm glad of that at least." John is confused, what on earth is Anna talking about? "No more fear of being found out because I am found out. My shame has no where to hide."

"Why do you talk of shame?" He sounds angry now and she tenses up, waiting for him to react the way she knows he should. She waits for him to blame her, to ask her why she allowed this to happen. But then, through the darkness his words shine through. "I don't accept that there is any shame in this."

Must she go through the trauma of spelling it out for him? She takes a breath and explains as simply as she can through her tears. "But I am spoiled for you." Better she spells it out before he promises her the world. Better she made sure he knew what he was getting into after this attack. "And I can never be unspoiled."

John steps forward, both arms reaching out for Anna. She leans back, out of habit and some fear. But he reaches her and cups her face in his hands. The sudden love in his voice makes her heart melt. "You are not spoiled." He wipes her tears as he speaks, his tone tight with emotion. "You are made higher to me, and holier because of the suffering you have been put through. You are my wife." She smiles, unable to help it. Even through all the darkness of the past month, despite that she still thinks that he should be mad at her, that she's his wife is still a source of joy for her. "And I have never been prouder, nor loved you more then I love you at this moment."

She reached up, needing to touch him to make sure that the moment is real. She's dreamt about it, ever since the concert. But now that it is here she needs to make sure that it is really happening.

"Truly?" She can only get the one word out but it's asking about so many things. _You truly love me still? You truly won't push me on who did this? You truly think I'm not spoiled?_

He's smiling now, still looking at her like he always has. "Truly."

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